Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
