I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
