I wish I only lived at night.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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