can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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