How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
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