I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
