Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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