The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
