I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
