I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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