i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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