Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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