I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Randomize
