I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
