I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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