The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
