How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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