eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
