I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Randomize
