Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
