kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
