Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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