You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
