If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
