Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
