my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
