I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Randomize
