She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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