sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
