Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Randomize
