stop calling my apartment porn island.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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