I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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