I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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