I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
im calling her cock vulture from now on
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Randomize
