Kiss
Puke
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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