guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
