my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
