im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
