clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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