If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
