sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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