Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
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