Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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