my phone needs a breathalizer
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
