I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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