Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
