i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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