My balls are so social today.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
