one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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