I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
