It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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