Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
