Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
